Steven (unzeugmatic) wrote,
Steven
unzeugmatic

Martha Stewart ... Meet Homer Simpson

I was going through the box of vintage corporate recipe brochures and booklets I used to pick up at estate sales. There are lots of booklets of banana recipes, and junket recipes, and of course many Jell-o booklets (including some amazing ones from the 20s, when they still thought Jell-o should be used like aspic). These pieces of cultural ephemera give me much pleasure.

For some reason, I had never noticed one particular tiny little brochure before: 36 Delightful Recipes to Perk Up Your Meals. I figured it was a fairly standard promotional item from a local grocery. But no -- this one was actually distributed by Egekvist's Bakeries -- and every single one of the 36 recipes uses, as its main ingredient, leftover doughnuts! Seriously. My fellow tech. writer here is most intrigued by the fact that the booklet is copyright 1947 by the "Doughnut Corp. of America". It's like a Roz Chast cartoon made manifest.

Here's one of the first entries:

Crumbled Donuts
Did you know that donuts have exactly the nutritional values you want in a cereal? And what a delicious cereal they make! Slice the donuts crosswise and toast them until they are crisp. Then crumble them into a cereal bowl and pour hot milk, sweetened and spiced with cinnamon, over them.

Well, I suppose it's true that donuts have exactly the nutritional values of the early sugared cereals. But that's not exactly a selling point, is it?

At a loss for what to serve at your next luncheon? Try this:

Donut Apple Salad
Here's a dish to dazzle the eye and perk up the weakest appetite. Slice fresh donuts into quarters and reassemble on a salad dish. Between the donut quarters, place several thin slices of unpeeled apple. Top it all off with cottage cheese.

Apples, donuts, and cottage cheese. But of course! Why hadn't I considered the juxtaposition of those particular flavors and textures? (Um, maybe because I have some sense of taste?) But what if you have no apples on hand? Well, just bring out a pineapple for this delicious delight:

Donut Pineapple Ring
You can build a light lunch around a salad in a jiffy -- and take pride in serving it. Here's all you do. Line each salad dish with a lettuce leaf. Place a pineapple ring in each lettuce leaf and then add a fresh donut. Fill the center of the donut with cottage cheese and garnish with a Maraschino cherry.

You know I couldn't possibly be making this up, right?

But what if you are considering a vegetarian lifestyle? No worries -- doughnuts can come to your aid.

Donut Prune Salad
Here's a crisp, fresh salad that will cause any "meat and potatoes" man to change his mind. Stew 4 prunes for each person. Pit the prunes and stuff with cottage cheese. Place two donuts on a lettuce leaf, fill the donut centers with cottage cheese and then top each donut with a stuffed prune. Place two whole pitted prunes beside the donuts. Serve with mayonnaise.

Mayonnaise and donuts! The combination is genius. Although I'm starting the think that the "Doughnut Corp. of America" is in bed with the "Cottage Cheese Corp. of America".

Oh, but where does Martha Stewart come in? Somewhere in this pointlessly labor-intensive confection, from the subcategory of "Bridge Party Snacks":

Donut Mint
When you've invited guests who like to nibble, keep them happy with this tempting recipe. Prepare a chocolate frosting and a mint-flavored frosting. With a knife, spread alternate stripes of mint and chocolate frosting around each donut for a "barber pole" effect.

I myself am not particularly skilled at this sort of thing anyway, but even for those who are: Isn't frosting a doughnut-shaped object with alternating bands a difficult undertaking? Would you fill in the first flavor frosting, leaving nice even spaces between, and then fill in those spaces with the second flavor -- without messing up the first flavor? Is there a trick here?

Looking for a new idea for what to serve on Christmas?

Donut Yuletide
Christmas holidays are mincemeat time and what better way is there to enjoy hot mincement than this. Prepare mincemeat pie filling. Slice donuts crosswise, place one half in bottom of individual dish and cover with hot mincemeat. Cover with second half of donut and fill donut center with more mincement. Top with whipped cream or serve with hard sauce.

Indeed, what better way than this? Without any of the fuss of making pie crusts.

There are 30 more where these came from, each as glorious as the next, I promise you.
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