Steven (unzeugmatic) wrote,
Steven
unzeugmatic

The Holy Grail of Livejournal Entries

I know that it's merely a figure of speech, promiscuously used by salesfolks, but I was nonetheless amazed when mrsmurphy pointed me to an eBay listing for "the holy grail of Hall teapots". Is this what they used for serving the after dinner beverages at the Last Supper? The ramifications of just what the liquid in the pot might be are stunning, if not downright sacrilegious.

Then yesterday I saw a listing for what was described as the holy grail of tiki mugs. I suppose even Jesus liked to toss one back at Trader Vic's now and then.

Amazed once more, I did a simple search. It turns out that the Legend of the Holy Grail yields a department store of sacred items. Verily. I have learned much of the life of Jesus that had previously been shrouded in mystery, and the totemic magic of the items that He blessed and dispersed clearly remains powerful.

Evidently Jesus was quite the rock and roller, because the most common holy grail items you can find are guitars and amplifiers. Although the actual numbers performed at the last supper have been lost from the standard biblical accounts, many of the blessed electronic components remain. Today alone you can bid on the holy grail of guitars, the holy grail of amplifiers, the holy grail of overdrive pedals, the holy grail of tubescreamers, and the holy grail of preamp tubes for your vintage fender. Miraculously enough, you can even find the Holy Grail of ZZTOP concert footage. I guess there's no accounting for Messianic taste.

It appears that Jesus went through a glam rock period as well, or perhaps he wanted to pass incognito amongst the Saducees and took on woman's garments, because surviving to this day and now available on eBay you can find the holy grail of handbags, holy grail mascara, holy grail basic blackliner for everyday use, even the holy grail of hair styling tools and, oddly, the holy grail brush roll. I understand that among transvestite communities tales of the miraculous powers of these sacred icons have remained through the centuries, and the items themselves have been carefully guarded and hidden by vicious queens in exile.

But Jesus was a guy's guy at heart, as evidenced by how much of his baseball card collection he left behind (there are dozens of auctions for the holy grail of baseball cards) and the number of golf clubs that bring salvation and peace to sinful man (you can check out the holy grail of putters, for example).

How ignorant I was to think that there was only a holy chalice. But no, you can also find the holy grail of cookie jars, the holy grail of ugg boots, the holy grail of bucks county quart bottles, the holy grail of jukeboxes, the holy grail of collectible running sneakers, the holy grail of Gucci bezels, the holy grail of beer memorabilia and even the holy grail of spawn collecting. And what might prove the best buy of all, the blessed holy grail of enlargement.

Is it time for Armageddon? Just check your holy grail of Rolex watches.
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